I was born with a shot glass in my hand
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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