i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
