I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
