woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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