The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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