I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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