We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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