Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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