Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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