I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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