I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
