Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
