She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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