Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
