I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
