idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
