No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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