Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
