I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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