I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
