Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She's the barista slut.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.