So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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