you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I have fence marks all over my body
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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