textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
