Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
