Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have a little drunk in my system
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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