Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
