remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
