Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
