he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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