dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
