Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth