OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
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like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
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I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees