it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
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Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!