You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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