Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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