the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
