Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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