I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Dick very happy bro
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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