we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
