im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
