You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
