i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
