we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
