a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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