What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
