After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
