ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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