I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
