On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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