I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
