I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
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This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
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Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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