Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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