Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
