Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Randomize
