I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
