what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
