Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
