Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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