dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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