she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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