I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Randomize
