I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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